dream #0
I haven’t been sleeping and therefore
haven’t been dreaming.
ob vi ous ly
I derive so much meaning from my dreams, using them as a roadmap or an atlas for the inner workings of myself. To me, dreams are how I communicate with my higher self, picking up on all of the things that my conscious mind cannot. Not sleeping feels like my soul has left me on read. Which has been confusing and frightening and awakened some fresh abandonment wounds, but perhaps it’s because I’ve been leaving my true self on read by ignoring the cries for self discipline that foster a healthy, balanced lifestyle. I have been placing more value on the intellectual pursuits over spiritual or physical by rationalizing behavior that favors short term gratification over longterm health benefits (like saying I’m going to the gym after finishing work but instead writing whatever this is).
Like yeah, I could eat healthier but I don’t eat that terribly.
Like yeah, I could exercise more but I’m not that sedentary.
Like yeah, I could put my phone down more but I’m not that addicted.
Like yeah, I could meditate even once, but I’m not that misaligned.
I’m now realizing that the level of awareness that I have for all these deficits is not enough to mitigate them. Like saying “I need to get gas for my car” while running on empty doesn’t fill your tank, it just makes you a fool for running on fumes. Like how I used to wear work out clothes everywhere so people knew I was “working on my body” and that I too, didn’t like what I saw (no matter what I am dealing with now I also have to give myself credit for how far I have come on previous lessons).
This boundary of silence that my higher self has drawn is a last ditch effort to get me on the straight and narrow, to convince me that being aware of these things but not acting on them and having a stronger sense of discipline is more detrimental to my existence than previously considered. That putting so much emphasis on the mental aspects drains the rest of sustenance, like only watering the flower bed in the vegetable garden.
As if my higher self is saying, “so mental stimulation is so important to you? OK how about we don’t turn it off for 3 days then and see how you like it.” A very humbling lesson that my mind needs rest, that my body needs action and my soul needs nurturing and that I am, once again, not as enlightened as I make myself out to be.