dream #0
I haven’t been sleeping and therefore
haven’t been dreaming.
ob vi ous ly
I derive so much meaning from my dreams, using them as a roadmap or an atlas for the inner workings of myself. To me, dreams are how I communicate with my higher self, picking up on all of the things that my conscious mind cannot. Not sleeping feels like my soul has left me on read. Which has been confusing and frightening and awakened some fresh abandonment wounds, but perhaps it’s because I’ve been leaving my true self on read by ignoring the cries for self discipline that foster a healthy, balanced lifestyle. I have been placing more value on the intellectual pursuits over spiritual or physical by rationalizing behavior that favors short term gratification over longterm health benefits (like saying I’m going to the gym after finishing work but instead writing whatever this is).
Like yeah, I could eat healthier but I don’t eat that terribly.
Like yeah, I could exercise more but I’m not that sedentary.
Like yeah, I could put my phone down more but I’m not that addicted.
Like yeah, I could meditate even once, but I’m not that misaligned.
I’m now realizing that the level of awareness that I have for all these deficits is not enough to mitigate them. Like saying “I need to get gas for my car” while running on empty doesn’t fill your tank, it just makes you a fool for running on fumes. Like how I used to wear work out clothes everywhere so people knew I was “working on my body” and that I too, didn’t like what I saw (no matter what I am dealing with now I also have to give myself credit for how far I have come on previous lessons).
This boundary of silence that my higher self has drawn is a last ditch effort to get me on the straight and narrow, to convince me that being aware of these things but not acting on them and having a stronger sense of discipline is more detrimental to my existence than previously considered. That putting so much emphasis on the mental aspects drains the rest of sustenance, like only watering the flower bed in the vegetable garden.
As if my higher self is saying, “so mental stimulation is so important to you? OK how about we don’t turn it off for 3 days then and see how you like it.” A very humbling lesson that my mind needs rest, that my body needs action and my soul needs nurturing and that I am, once again, not as enlightened as I make myself out to be.
dream # ____
daisy head maizey
tumbling Christmas cactus
poured over my shoulders
sprouts of wheat
amidst amber curls
I had clovers sprouting from my scalp
a horticulture of symbolism
a garden growing from my very brain
what an obvious metaphor that I cannot seem to untangle
except that by the end of the dream
they told me it was “inappropriate”
unseemly for a lady
to have such wild, untamed thoughts
and made me pluck out the garden
growing from my mind.
dream #____
my own Miyazaki
commissioned by my spirit,
I was a naked goddess princess
alone in a field of flowers.
suddenly I was flying, my body a warship
dropping bombs of love on
Mars’s soldiers.
The soils of war were pleasure
an Amazon, I carried him off
our love grew flowers on a cave’s wall.
then suddenly
jarringly
we were
transported into a high rise
with security cameras
the contrast of how we are
and how we should be
is very stark.
so much of this world we’ve built
is counterintuitive
to our very nature.
dream #____
dreams like air sucked out of veins
brains like raisins
what is the Source of All Wisdom
trying to impart on me
when I keep dreaming the same dream
where each step I take
the earth crumbles beneath me
revealing an endless nothing
dream #____
I was standing in a cave of light
but cast outside was every woman
in my ancestral line
I went out and carried them in
one by one
while they spat on me
and called me a whore
as I carried them in to heaven