cicada girl

A cicada year. Reminder that everything is ends in 7 years like the cycle of my cells. 7 chakras 7 sisters 7 cycles of birth and death and rebirth. Cicadas shed their skins never looking back. They don’t hold onto what they’ve outgrown, instinctually and without ceremony or sacrifice they wriggle out of a casing that no longer fits them, leaving amulets of death for trees and stone walls, brooches of rememberance. Sitting in the pool filtered light reminding me of my childhood home that is no longer, I try and look forward like a cicada. Wriggling out of the outdated modes of thinking left impressioned into my malleable young brain. 7 years since I lived with her, I march forward with my unique song that only I can sing and I try and live without fear, without judgement without self doubt and hatred. For the first time in more than 27 years I look at my self in the mirror and feel love. I see the shedding skin of my old self and think what a fine adornment for a tree. I look in the mirror, I hold my first completed screen play in 7 years, I look at my friends with not envy but joy at their success. I shed one more layer that is not me and I look forward to what I will shed next. 

We’ve all heard the very cliche adage “love yourself” in a society where self care and cancelling plans is the forefront of the movement, but what does it mean to actually love yourself? For me, it means quieting the voices of people from my childhood. It means shutting down the judgmental voice that takes over and prevents me from being my authentic self. The change was very slow. Until I finally didn’t hear that voice that says “no” and I just hit post. I hit upload. I hit send. I answered the call.