obstacles as keys

2016 was the year I first tried meditating. It was also essentially the year I gave it up. Every book, every “mentor”, every House of Intuition Tarot reader, every YouTube meditation video all offered the same vanilla tips on how to meditate and connect with the divine. “Simply empty your mind.” “Quiet the inner monologue.” “Focus on your breath.” “Imagine your thoughts are a red balloon floating away.” “Didn’t work? Try a blue balloon. Yellow? Ok, how about filling the balloon with all the anger you’ve ever felt.”

All of these visualization techniques that were supposed to help me quiet my mind always ended up either pushing me into a panic attack about whether or not my breathing was “normal”, getting 99 Red Balloons stuck in my head, or sending me off on a mental rant about the lady who didn’t try hard enough to process my return at DSW and now I am stuck with the knock off Birkenstocks that rub my skin off, until I realized that I’d spaced out for half the guided meditation and I was supposed to be hovering outside of my body looking down at the birth place of my most recent past life by now. (As if my overthinking wasn’t already made abundantly clear by that Goliath of a run-on sentence.)

For someone who’s inner monologue resembles that of the Trolly Problem with every minor decision, quieting was not easy or really an option. The combination of my yellow aura, ADHD and virgo rising (do I have ADHD because of my virgo rising, or am I a virgo rising because of my ADHD?) is an alchemical recipe I chose to concoct for myself in this lifetime and it tastes a lot like cyclical overthinking and chronic anxiety. If the prescribed antidote to overthinking is meditation… but meditation is blocked by my overthinking… where does that leave me?

I thought (ha! the hubris!) that if meditation eluded me, then did God also? If I can’t empty my mind, then what is wrong with me? Will I ever be able to separate from chronic anxiety and overthinking? Why can’t I meditate? I have committed myself to walking this path of spirituality, yet I can’t grasp the most basic and fundamental aspect of it all? Failure alert! Ring the loser bell and hang the shame curtains! This one can’t even breathe right!

Jump cut to 5 years later and I had an epiphany that seemed sudden and out of no where only because I was too busy overthinking every social interaction to notice the small and incremental yet collectively vast changes going on in my psyche.

I realized that it wasn’t about stopping all of the thoughts in meditation but instead using them in meditation. If life is pain and resistance to pain is suffering, then acceptance is the salve that heals us. Accepting that my mind will never shut the fuck up and accepting that existence and therefore spiritual practices look different for everyone was the key that opened the door to meditation for me. Quieting the ego is important, but listening to the thoughts that are the pipeline connected to my Higher Self and God is essential to my unique meditation practice. Unfortunately the ego thoughts and the divine thoughts are two ends of the same stick, so it’s difficult work to practice, but getting there is inevitable (if you’re wondering, well how do you tell which is which? Your ego is the one that judges what’s happening, that makes you feel bad, or tells you it’s all in your head). I wasn’t able to quiet the thoughts because they didn’t want to be quieted, God was speaking through them. I resisted one of the most innate and wonderful things about me and my spiritual practice because so many “subject matter experts” told me it was wrong. This thinking part of me is a gift from God! Not a burden or a curse! Unless I am surrounded by vague acquaintances or friends of my boyfriend!

Accepting my mind as being part of my spiritual practice has opened up a huge healing pathway towards my Highest Good. If my mind doesn’t stfu then okay! Let’s play with that! I give it something to do by releasing expectations or letting go of trying to steer it in any one direction. I set an intention of the dialogue I’m looking to have with either my subconscious, my guides, or any positively oriented spiritual entity that has a message for me, and then I release. I allow my imagination to take me on a journey, and damn have they been powerful and profound and deeply moving. Accepting that my mind wants to observe and be a part of my healing has been so joyous and beautiful and humbling. Nothing about your true nature is an accident. The Universe’s design is everywhere and your unique quirks are what will bring you closer to your Highest Purpose.

And guess what? I am overthinking less! Still, like, WAY MORE than your average functioning millennial but LESS than I was a year ago and that is a huge victory worth celebrating. Who knows where that will lead me 5 years from now?

Whatever you are resisting, whatever is blocking you in your spiritual journey or keeping you from getting to the next level because your mind is judging it, let go! Accept it! Work with it! It is only standing in your way like a lil sad child that wants to play with you and show you this really cool thing it has for you. Engage with it, embrace it and begin your new journey.

This does not mean that what worked for me will be what opens the door for you. However, this is hopefully an inspiring message on your journey that holds the mirror up to whatever it is that you are resisting or blocking because it’s not what other people tell you is the “right” way to do it. If ever on your spiritual path someone says that they hold a universal answer, run the other way!! True spiritual guides, mentors and teachers will always ask you to look within yourself and seek the answer there. Anyone that hands you something is not what you’re looking for. Unless they are handing you free food, that’s always fine by me.